That 70's Show >

FORMAN KITCHEN

Kitty is taking Chrismas cookies of the baking tray. Eric is eating them

KITTY: So, Eric, have you made your Christmas list for Santa yet?
ERIC: Well, um, I was going to, but then I turned ten.
KITTY: Steven made his.
HYDE (to Eric): T-shirts.
ERIC: Well, I guess I could ask for a cassette player for the Vista Cruiser like I have for the last eighty years. But I won't get one, so I might as well just ask for a raincoat.
KITTY: Oh, so you want a raincoat?
ERIC: Man, remember when you used to come downstairs Christmas morning and you'd see your stocking over the fire all filled with toys?
HYDE: Well, one year, I saw my mom's panty hose on the radiator and uh, Uncle ''Strange Man'' sleeping on the floor. He had a red nose though. That's Christmassy.
ERIC: Yeah, Christmas used to be so cool. Now it's just another day.
KITTY: Okay. Okay. It sounds like somebody needs a little holiday cheer. I know! Ahahahaha! You could direct the Christmas pageant at the church.
ERIC: Hey yeah, that's the worst idea I've ever heard!
KITTY: Eric, you used to love that pageant when you were a little boy. And you need some Christmas spirit. And I already signed you up.
ERIC: Well, it was fun when we were kids. Then again, so was eating crayons but... yeah, okay. I'll do it.
KITTY: Good. Okay, now, Steven...
HYDE: No! No!
KITTY: Oh. So you won't be in a show about how there was no room at the inn even though this innkeeper gave you a room?
HYDE: Your guilt has no power over me! I'll do it.
ERIC: Fa la la la la la la la- boned

OPENING CREDITS

CHURCH

Eric is looking at the pageant props

ERIC: Guys, check this out. It looks just like when we were kids. And look, the wise-men gifts: gold, myrrh, and.. (sniffs it) Hyde, I think this one's yours.
HYDE: That'd be my baggie of frankincense.
DAVE (coming in): Well, if it isn't Mr. First-time Director. I thought I'd direct, but the church board whose average age is nearly dead feels that I don't speak to the younger generation.
DONNA: Oh, Pastor Dave, I loved last year's Silent Night, Jazzy Night. It was really funny.
DAVE: It was a drama.
KELSO (running in): You guys, you guys! Great news. Rudolph, Santa Claus Is Coming to Town, The Little Drummer Boy. They're all on TV this week! We can watch 'em!
HYDE: Yeah! We can wear our p.j.'s and eat gumdrops and drink Kool-Aid. Hooray!
KELSO: Yeah!
ERIC: Okay, guys, let's talk about your parts.
JACKIE: Okay, Eric, I want to be the Virgin Mary. See, she's pure and holy and rides a unicorn.
ERIC: No Jackie, she doesn't ride a unicorn.
JACKIE: She does now. A white unicorn with speckles. Write that down.
HYDE: Hey, is there anyone in this show who just kind of lies there and does nothing?
ERIC: Um, there's the baby in the manger.
HYDE: I call baby in the manger!
KELSO: Uh Eric, I don't want to play Joseph as a carpenter. Oh, how about if I play him as a spaceman?
ERIC: Okay uh, Kelso, I don't think Jesus was the son of a spaceman.
KELSO: Oh really? Well, where do you think God lives?
LEO: It's true, man (he points upwards)

RED & KITTY's BEDROOM

Red and Kitty are asleep. Suddenly a christmas carol is heard and a bright light is seen through the bedroom window

RED: What the hell?
KITTY: It's the Russians!

Red gets up and looks through the window

RED: Aw, geez (he opens the window) Bob!
BOB (from outside): Hey there, hi there, ho-ho-ho there!
RED: Bob, it's midnight. Turn that crap off.
BOB (outside): What would I do that for? Hey, check out the keister on Mrs. Claus. I know what I want for Christmas!
RED: Bob, are you drunk?
BOB (outside): I'm not sober!

CHURCH

Hyde is sitting in a chair on stage. Jackie is sitting on some hay. Kelso is walking around. Donna walks up to Eric

DONNA: Eric, I have a little problem with my part. Um, it turns out you have me playing a wise man. Why can't there be any wise women?
ERIC: Yeah okay. I'll take that up with the guy who wrote the Bible. Let me get back to you. Okay Kelso, you are now playing a wise man.
KELSO: Or a space wise man.
HYDE: Better. Better.
FEZ (walking in, dressed as a shepherd): How come the foreign guy has to play the shepherd? I have never herded sheep in my life. Well once, as a favor. Why can't I be a lifeguard?
KELSO: Or a space lifeguard.
FEZ: Then I could herd all the ladies into the pool. ''Into the pool, ladies!'' Now, that's a good role.
ERIC: Okay uh, everyone? Everybody? Um, all of your ideas are all um, stupid. Okay, moving on. Uh, at the end of the play, when Santa comes in the door...
KELSO: Ooh! How about...
ERIC: Kelso, I swear to God if you say Space Santa, I'm gonna kick you in the head.
KELSO: Never mind.

FORMAN KITCHEN

A man sings "You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch" as Red comes into the kitchen with some of Bobs decorations

RED (seeing Kitty): AAAH!
KITTY: Red, are you stealing Bob's christmas decorations?
RED: It's only stealing if you, uh... if you keep it. I'm throwing all this crap away.
KITTY: Oh, my God. I'm married to the Grinch. I'm Mrs. Grinch.
RED: Well, as long as you're not Mrs. Tattletale, we'll be fine.

CHURCH

Leo and Eric hang outside the church

ERIC: Leo, these guys are driving me crazy in there. Do you know what they think is Christmassy? Unicorns. Right... No, I'm sorry. Space unicorns.
LEO: Well, that's redundant.
ERIC: Do you have an idea what this is gonna look like, man?

ERIC's DAYDREAM

A unicorn in the manger. Eric is sitting on a fake rock, playing the guitar. Fez is sitting in a life guard chair

FEZ: Shark! Everybody out of the water! And off with your tops!
JACKIE (wearing roller skates): Make way! Virgin Mother coming through!
HYDE (on a motorcycle with Donna in the backseat): We come bearing gifts of frankincense, myrrh and Led Zeppelin IV.
DONNA: Now, let me get a look at that cute little baby girl Jesus!

Kelso comes flying from the sky, wearing a space suit. He is speaking an alien language, which is translated as "Greetings Earthlings, I am a space wise man!"

ERIC (on guitar): Walking around the christmas tree at the christmas party....

CHURCH

ERIC: I'm just gonna go home. Holiday Inn's on TV. Now, that's Christmas.
LEO: You can't go home, man. This pageant's your chance to spread some Christmas spirit, and that's contagious, like V.D.
ERIC: I just... I don't think I have it anymore, Leo.
LEO: Ah don't be fooled, man. V.D. comes back.
ERIC: No not... Okay. Yeah, I'll watch for that.

CHURCH OFFICE - THE CIRCLE

Eric enters the circle

ERIC: So. Dipping into the frankincense, I see. Well, no more of that. Okay? We're gonna do this play the way it was meant to be done. And no spacemen. And anyone who doesn't like that is no Christmas friend of mine.
KELSO: And we should be a little bit nicer to those of us who want to watch Christmas specials. I mean, when Rudolph's nose shone so bright and Santa realized he could guide the sleigh at night... That was a great moment in American history.
HYDE: Kelso, Rudolph was small, had a girlie voice and I'm pretty sure he was a little light in the hooves if you know what I mean.
FEZ: Of course he was light in the hooves. He could fly! (slowly realizing) Ooohhh I would have guessed Prancer.
ERIC: Well you've all ignored me, so I'll take that as a resounding vote of confidence. Guys, let's do this thing!
DAVE (coming in): What on God's green earth?
ERIC: But Pastor Dave, I was just...
DAVE: I know what you were doing. I recognize that smell from the AC/DC concert. I was handing out leaflets!
ERIC: No, but I wasn't...
DAVE: Eric Forman, you're fired.
ERIC: You know what? Fine (he leaves)
KELSO: Rudolph had a girlfriend! Her name was Clarice. She thought he was cute. Okay, if anyone was gay, it was that-that Herbie. No straight elf has hair like that.

CHURCH

The gang minus Eric are listening to pastor Dave

DAVE: Well, as you may know by now, I had to let Eric go.
DONNA: Wait, you fired Eric? Who's gonna direct the play?
DAVE: I guess that responsibility falls ''unto me.'' And I am willing to be the reluctant hero on this year's pageant and whip all you ne'er-do-wells into shape.

A little later. Dave is tied to a chair with a string of christmas lights

DAVE: Okay kids, that was a good one. Now, let's work on the scene where you untie me. And action!

FORMAN DRIVEWAY

Bob, Kitty and Red are standing in the driveway

BOB: Give me my stuff back, Red!
RED: Don't know what you're talking about, Bob. And no!
KITTY: Oh Red, just give it back.
BOB: You don't want anybody to have a happy Christmas!
RED: Oh, you want happy? Drink another six-pack.
ERIC (walking up): Oh, this is nice. This is great. I guess we have a new tradition here: the annual yuletide fight. God can't anybody just act decent for one freakin' day of the year? Mehhh! (he leaves)
KITTY: Well out of the mouths of babes, huh?
RED: Well fine. Bob, your decorations are in the dumpster behind the liquor store.
BOB: Thanks Red. If I had mistletoe, I'd kiss you.
RED: Yeah well, if I had ''mistlefoot,'' it'd be in your ass.

They both laugh and Bob leaves

KITTY: You know what I would like for Christmas? No more talk about you putting your foot in other people's rear ends.
RED: Maybe next year, Kitty.

CHURCH

Leo walks in and sees the gang with tied-up Dave

LEO: Whoa dudes. What'd you do, man?
HYDE: Leo man. We're just about to light the Dave.
LEO: I can't believe you guys. You managed to bring a man of God to tears.
DAVE: I'm not crying!
LEO: I'm talking about me, man. You know, you guys can hassle your skinny friend Eric but when it comes down to a fundamental moral core he's the only one of you that's got one. So, congratulations. You've ruined Christmas (he leaves)
DONNA: Oh man. Leo's right. I mean, this probably isn't our finest hour.
HYDE: I don't know. It's pretty damn fine.
KELSO: Well Jackie, you know, since everything's ruined... we could... I don't know... go home and watch Rudolph.
JACKIE: Michael, those shows are for babies.
KELSO: But I want to watch it! I wanna!
JACKIE: Grow up, Michael.
KELSO: You never let me have any fun! (he leaves)
DONNA: You guys, I feel kind of bad about Eric.
FEZ: Yeah, maybe we should go find him.
DONNA: Yeah.
HYDE: Or we could stay here and wrap Dave.
DAVE: I say, get Eric!
DONNA: Come on (they start to leave)
DAVE: Uh, guys?
HYDE: Oh, right (he puts the lights on) There you go (he leaves)

FORMAN LIVING ROOM

Eric is sitting on the couch, watching TV

KITTY: Oh honey, you look so sad. I am gonna let you open your big Christmas present early.
ERIC: Wow (picking it up) it's kind of the size of... And it's kind of heavy like...
KITTY: I knew you wanted one.
ERIC: I can't believe that you finally got me... a rain coat!
KITTY: See, it's London Fog! Did I fool you? I put rocks in the bottom, so it would seem heavy.
ERIC: That's clever
KITTY: Okay now. I'm gonna wrap it back up. You can open it Christmas morning and pretend you're surprised.
ERIC: Uh-huh. So, we got that to look forward to.

CHURCH

Kelso is asleep on the church floor. He dreams he's a cartoon caracter in a cartoon.

KELSO (his head pops up from a snow heap): Huh?
RUDOLPH: What's the matter, Kelso?
KELSO: Rudolph I can't watch you anymore. My friends say that I'm too old.
SANTA: Ho-Ho-Hold the phone! Too old for Christmas? That's nonsense.
KELSO: Yeah but everyone's makin' fun of me.
RUDOLPH: You know, Kelso, people used to laugh and call me names.
SANTA: They wouldn't let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games.''
KELSO: So, what did you do?
RUDOLPH: I kicked 'em in the face. Blitzen bled like a faucet
KELSO: Little Drummer Boy, what are you doing here?
DRUMMER BOY: Come, they told me.
KELSO: No but what am I supposed to do? All my friends are gonna think that I'm a baby if I keep watching your shows.
SANTA: Aw, screw those dumb-asses! If they're too old for Christmas specials, that's their loss.
DRUMMER BOY: Can I go now? I'm very cold.
SANTA: Kelso, as long as you really, really believe in our magical world nothing in life can ever hurt you.
KELSO: So I can watch. I can watch! (he jumps into the sky and flies off) Whoo-hoo! I can watch! I can watch! I can watch!

Then he is struck by lightning and falls into Santa's arms

SANTA: Look at that face.
RUDOLPH: What a nice kid.
DRUMMER BOY: So happy.
KELSO (waking up in church): I'm not too late. I haven't missed them! Hey, Dave.

He walks off

DAVE: Uh, Michael? A little help?
KELSO: Oh (he starts to untie Dave)
DAVE: That wasn't fun. One of the lights burned my neck.
KELSO: You know Pastor Dave, the only reason we mess with you is 'cause we like you.
DAVE: You do? You do! I'm cool! I'm cool! (he tries to walk, but his legs are still tied so he goes down)

FORMAN DRIVEWAY

The gang walk up as Eric comes out of the kitchen

ERIC: Oh well, if it isn't the dill-holes of Christmas past, present and future.
DONNA: We came to talk to you about the pageant. Dave said he'll un-fire you.
DAVE: 'Cause I'm cool!
DONNA: And we'll do the pageant however you want.
LEO: Yeah, I set 'em straight, man.
HYDE: Look Forman, just come on back, all right?
JACKIE: Yeah it'll be fun.
DONNA: Yeah. We can all be together. I mean, it's Christmas, you know? Plus, we got you a present.
ERIC (looking into the bag): Oh, man. A cassette deck. You guys, thanks.
DONNA: So you'll come back?
ERIC: Yeah okay.
FEZ: Ohh. Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown!

They all look at him. Suddenly the decorations in the driveway are lit

RED (walking out): Hey those decorations aren't half bad.
JACKIE: Look it's snowing!
BOB: Yeah I hooked up the snow machine. Don't nobody smoke though. This stuff might be toxic.
KITTY (walking up to Eric): Ohh a tape player. Didn't know you wanted one of those!
ERIC (opening the box): Isn't it beautiful?
RED: Hey Steven. Fix that light up there, will ya?
FEZ: Ah I dropped my candy!
DAVE: Oh no!

They both kneel down to pick it up

KELSO (trying to carry Jackie on his back): Oh! Ah, my knee! (he kneels down)
HYDE (fixing the light): How's that?

The light shines and the scene freezes, it's the Nativity scene. ''Hark! The Herald Angels Sing'' plays and the scene becomes a postcard, saying Seasons Greetings

END CREDITS

CHURCH

The pageant is on. Hyde, Fez and Jackie are on stage

FEZ: Behold! The virgin has given birth.
JACKIE: Isn't he cute? He's got my eyes.
HYDE: And my hair.
DONNA: Hark, we come bearing gifts!
KELSO (running up wearing a space helmet): Gifts from space!
ERIC (running up): Kelso! (he takes off the helmet)
KELSO: Ericn no! Earth air! Toxic! Choking! (he gasps and falls down)
FEZ: God bless us, everyone.

THE END